Sometimes I am still in bed at 11 a.m.
Dave and I watch TV and stay up until 11:30 nearly every night, and sometimes I have bouts of insomnia. By the time I fall asleep at 2 or 3 in the morning, I find it hard to wake up.
Insomnia is not new to me. A problem to work out, a project to plan, sometimes the plot of a recent well-written novel, or the disturbing events on a Crime show will do it. I find myself walking to the kitchen for a snack or (until Monday) coming to the computer to lose myself in Facebook land.
All of this is exacerbated by waking up on November 6, 2024, and experiencing a deep sadness and an overarching sense of dread. The sadness comes from realizing that everything I value and hold dear in this life appears to have become endangered, devalued, and dismissed. Although I am careful what I read and whom I listen to, the dread each day rises when I learn of another outrageous attack on the structures in our government which keep us safe. Being well-informed, reading historical background, believing there is still a system of checks and balances in play helps me keep everything in perspective.
I seldom give in to the hysteria, yet it remains, just below the surface.
I survive because I am loved and cared for and feel the protection of the partnership with my husband. I am fortunate to be healthy, white, cisgendered, educated, and retired with an adequate pension. Still, I have children and their spouses, and friends who are in categories targeted by the man who currently occupies the white house. I ache because there is little I can do to change things, though I see signs of courage in the action by others. I applaud those with a louder voice who speak up and fight for all of us. I daily make my feelings known to my Senators and Legislative Representative.
I am grateful that today, Sunday, April 13, despair and fear were held at bay. Ancient hymnody, excellent preaching, and the gathering of the beloved community in a church whose mission statement includes the words, “We are not afraid to love,” touched that calm center that sustains me. I felt seen, known, and loved. I was caught up in the message that as a person of faith, I am a “Prisoner of Hope.”
May tonight bring me a night of peaceful sleep.
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